How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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