How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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