How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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