How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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