How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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