How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What does one bucket say to the other?

I am feeling pale today.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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