How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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