How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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