How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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