How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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