How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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