How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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