How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

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What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.

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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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