How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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