How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake...

A Missed-steak.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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