How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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