How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What would you call a humorous knee?

Fun-ny!
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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