How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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