How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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