How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What would you call a humorous knee?

Fun-ny!
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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