How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls!
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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