How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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