How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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