How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What is always hot in the refrigerator?

Chili
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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