How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Where do computers go to dance?

The disk-o!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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