How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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