How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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