How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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