How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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