How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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