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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a software problem.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?
He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A watch dog.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?
Every year!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said, "Those are pickled onions".
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
A Moo-sician!
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible.
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