How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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