How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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A seal walks into a club...
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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