How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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