How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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