How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood

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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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