How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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