How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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