How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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