How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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