How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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