How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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