How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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