How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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