How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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