How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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