How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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