How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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