How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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