How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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What do camels use to hide themselves?

Camelflauge
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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