How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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