How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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