How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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