How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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