How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France...

all that was left was de brie.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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