How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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Two satellites decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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