How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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