How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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