How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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