How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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