How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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