How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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