How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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Why did the student eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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