How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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