How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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