How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What is a spaceman's favorite chocolate?

A marsbar!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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