How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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