How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What did the snowman say to the customer?

Have an ice day!
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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