How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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