How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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