How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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