How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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