How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.


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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish

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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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