How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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