How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!

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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.

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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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