How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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