How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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What does cheese like to drink?

Morbier
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Why did Lil Wayne go to the Doctor?

He was feeling a Lil Weezy

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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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