How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess

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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.

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