How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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