How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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