How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake...

A Missed-steak.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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