How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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