How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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