How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Unique up on it.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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