How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What did Delaware?

A New Jersey.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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