How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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