How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What's the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has the most stories.
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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