How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark

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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.

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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.

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