How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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