How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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