How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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