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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do Santa's elves drive?
Minivans.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in there.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?
Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?
The Trump Card
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A phew.
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