How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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