How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What did the snowman say to the customer?

Have an ice day!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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