How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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