How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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