How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine

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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer

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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish

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