How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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