How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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