How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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