How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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