How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth

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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights

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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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