How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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