How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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