How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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