How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean

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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda

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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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