How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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