How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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