How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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