How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Unique up on it.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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