How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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