How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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