How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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