How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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