How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

Some day my prints will come.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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