How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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