How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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