How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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