How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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