How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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