How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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