How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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I’ve never gone to a gun range before.

I decided to give it a shot!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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