How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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