How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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