How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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