How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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