How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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