How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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