How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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A seal walks into a club...
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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