How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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