How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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what do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna-tick
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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