How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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