How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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A seal walks into a club...
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