How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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