How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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