How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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