How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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