How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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