How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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