How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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