How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .

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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.


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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.

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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!

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