How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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