How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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