How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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