How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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