How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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