How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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