How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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