How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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