How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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