How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?

"The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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