How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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