How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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