How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What does cheese like to drink?

Morbier
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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