How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What is a frog's favorite year?

Leap Year
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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