How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke...

It'll come back to me.
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Why did Bach have so many children?

He did not have a stop on his organ.

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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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