How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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