How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.

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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story

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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!

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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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