How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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I just watched a debate as to which cartoons were better- Disney or Warner Bros.

I have to say it got very animated.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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