How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Where does a polarbear keep its money?

In a snow bank!
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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