How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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