How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What would you call a humorous knee?

Fun-ny!
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