Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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